Panicky PTSD
I'm looking at old transcripts and journal entries written days after the r/event and now I'm having all kinds of panic feelings. Mainly like "Maybe all he did was cross a little boundary, like no big deal really, why am I making such an issue out of it?" I'm feeling in my little small self like "this story isn't such a big deal and not worth telling." I'm having all this fear again. Shit. Its totally intense and awful. I'm just putting it out there for my own record, so I don't forget how hard this work is and why its hard. Reaching out always helps, even to a whining, flailing IBM thinkpad on loan from the flouncy roommate's sister.Ok -- now I'll go back to work, and figuring out how to weave these feelings and these doubts into the script and into the telling of the story, without feeling too raw and exposed. But that's unavoidable, I guess.
posted by No Longer Active at 1:43 AM
1 Comments:
Nancy,
Keep breathing, don't be so hard on yourself. It makes sense to me that on some level you are thinking about this stuff. Why? You are back where the rape happened, in that city, at the time of year when you confronted him about it (and I remember well that reaction!!), and you just saw him. At some level your brain is reprocessing, including the totally crappy parts of our processing that include the "maybe it didn't really happen" sh*t.
Girl, you know it happened and you have made an amazing, life affirming movie about it. Your film is going to help so many women - in so many ways. Hold on to that. Hold on to yourself. Hold on to your truth. Keep breathing.
You are going to get through this.
Remember that cold cold morning two years ago - that morning which turned into a glorious day? Darkness sometimes feels the most isolating, the coldest before the dawn.
You are a strong, amazing, survivng and thriving woman who is changing the world. Hold on to that. Let this other crappy/reprocessing stuff go.
Wishing I was there with you,
Your sister survivor/thriver,
Leah
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