A Major Down

The short of it goes like this -- brought my segment to a funding source in Israel -- some people say they're sleazy, actually most people do, but I know them from New York and I thought I'd give it a shot. The head cheese pushed me off on his second, we'll call her Avit. I notice her pregnant belly and think, "great! a woman, someone emotional-- an easier sell than to a middle aged man... " and got the tape rolling.

She was really squirming around in her chair and clearly uncomfortable -- but not for the reasons I thought. I turned off the sample and she told me immediately that my rapist is a dear friend of hers and someone she's known for 25 years... she was trembling. I nearly vomited, as outing him is not my intention -- and destabilizing her world, her perceptions and her friendships is not my intention either, or is it? Then I'm shaking and asking msyelf why the fuck am I still protecting him? Desperate to protect him? And sort of fundamentally -- what on earth am I doing? This made him even more human to me -- and as we manipulate and build him as a character-- as someone "evil" or "inhuman" and then this realization that he is a person that is loved by people in the world... I almost threw my camera out the taxi window.

Ruthie had organized for me a massage from her cat-like brother, who really was wonderful, that triggered some tears-- and then I huddled under a blanket looking at the ocean realizing how fucking fragile I am and feel. This is so hard, and I've been sleeping alone -- away from family and my home -- and really feeling vunerable.

I hooked up with Ilil who reassured me that staying at her place until I fly is her pleasure, and it is now my home - and we went out and met Etai to go hear an Iranian blogger who is visiting Israel. Such a cool kid -- he's the voice of young Persia, who came as an emissary:
www.hoder.com. Really nice and cool guy -- I felt inspired, Etai and I continued on our journeys, we went to hear rock n' roll, I forgot my woes for a bit, until Etai asked me again, what was really going on today... what happened... I then launched into also the feeling that no one is ever going to support this project -- and this road is just so fucking hard.

I then connected with an American girl I had only met by phone through a friend, and within ten minutes of speaking to me at the bar she told me she had been raped, and said that walking to meet me on the street was the first time she's walked alone at night since May. And that for me cemented why the fuck I'm making this film. She had no idea my background, it just came out, meaning that my answer to "why" appeared. At the bar. Like that. Because this girl doesn't walk alone. And how many of us are out there, like that?

Our conversation lightened, and I started chatting with an Iraqi trance DJ with dreadlocks down his back and a really easy laugh. He loved all my cynical jokes... I was increasingly flattered, and the night ended well.

And I'm glad its over, I feel stronger for it, and will be investigating in the film why I feel the need to protect him -- And we move onwards.